I am in a season of life right now where I literally need to add sleep into my planned out daily schedule.  Even to me, that sounds utterly ridiculous.  Sleep is just a routine part of the day, right?  Maybe for some people.  Not this woman.  I struggle with sleep in many ways.  I need it, but I don’t want it.  If I could go without sleeping, I would.  I habitually sacrifice sleep for the sake of getting more done, regardless of how exhausted I am.  You know the saying “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”? Pretty sure I share a brain with whoever came up with that one.  There’s a major problem with this mindset though, which would be that my brain and body don’t function properly when I am exhausted and therefore the “more” that I intend to get done becomes much less.  I can’t focus.  My mood is all over the place.  I become depressed.  I keep pushing myself while wishing I could go crawl in a hole, while still wanting to push myself harder, which makes me feel pretty crazy.  No, it DOES make me crazy.  I am a lunatic of a person who wants everything to flow “just right” and when it doesn’t, it stresses me out to no end.  I make myself sick doing it, but I don’t have time to be sick, so getting sick only adds to my frustrations and stress, which makes me more sick… it’s a vicious cycle that HAS to end.  

Last Saturday I had an eye opening realization of just how bad I am with sleep.  It was just after lunch, and I could not keep my eyes open.  All my 3 year old wanted to do was play with mommy, and I could not stay awake for 10 minutes to play with him.  This does NOT happen to me.  I hate naps, I feel like they are a waste of my day.  I want to wake up early and stay up late, and do as much as possible during the hours in between.  And I have been failing, miserably, at anything I’ve attempted to accomplish with this intention.  That Saturday, I knew I was pushing my limits too far.  I went to lay down with my son for naptime, and I took an intermittent nap while he played.  When I got up I still did not feel well, but at least had enough energy to not feel like I was going to pass out standing up anymore.  I had a dull headache all evening, but the real trouble hit after I put my kids to bed.  I planned on staying up late to spend time with my husband, and I planned on getting up early to go for a run before church, all the while knowing that my body needed more rest.  But shortly after my kids fell asleep, I came down with the WORST stomach ache of my life… which I did NOT plan for.  I thought of everything from appendicitis, to that weird bacteria on the beaches (I had done a workout on the beach that morning), to food poisoning… I literally thought I might have been dying.  The really sad part is that I wasn’t all that concerned about whether or not I was dying.  I have felt overwhelmingly like a failure in so many areas of my life, which plays into my constantly pushing myself harder and harder.  Which I’ll say again, hasn’t worked.  I knew in the back of my mind that I had ignored my body’s cries for help all day, and this was a major breaking point.  It could have been food poisoning, I really don’t know.  But what I do know is that I already knew I wasn’t taking care of myself and it was affecting my health, physically and mentally.  I’m all about working on other areas of my health as far as exercise and eating healthier, but I have been so ridiculously stubborn about getting enough sleep.  

Since that horrible Saturday, I have made sure to put more focus on my need for sleep.  I have come to grips with the fact that I need it, that it isn’t optional, and that caffeine can’t replace it.  I do understand that some people can function on less sleep than others, I may have been that person once, but that was also during a season in my life when I could sleep for 12 hours one night if necessary to “catch up.”  Having 2 little ones now, that’s no longer an option.  When the sun is out and my kids voices are filling the house, my brain tells me it’s time to be awake… even if my body doesn’t want to move and I lay in bed for another half hour wishing I was still asleep.  I’ve noticed that I am more focused, more present in what I’m doing, and better able to function when I am getting more sleep.  I’m still trying to figure out what “enough” sleep is for me, but for now I’m just trying to get as much as I can which averages to about 7 hours a night.  As a result, I’ve noticed that I crave even less sugary junk, I have more energy and stamina in whatever I am doing throughout the day, and I am better able to handle stressful situations without freaking out (as much).  Although I still wish there was a magical sleep replacement pill that would allow me to go without it, I am learning to focus on my need for sleep in order to function properly and more efficiently.  I will always be a work in progress, but even in my stubbornness I am learning what works and what doesn’t when it comes to being a healthy and capable momma, wife, and just overall functioning human being.